April 22nd we head to Cincinatti. Here’s what I did to make sure I was prepared.

Smart Point Allowance: 30 points

Breakfast: 4pt

Egg Whites 1/3 cup (0pt)

Cajun seasoning (0pt)

Diced Green Chiles 1 Tsp (0pt)

Jimmy Dean Turkey Sausage Crumbles 1/8 cup (1pt)

Oscar Meyer Real Bacon Bits 1/2 Tbsp (0pt)

Trader Joe’s Lite Mexican Blend cheese 2 Tbsp (0pt But I counted as 1 in my tracker)

Kraft Fat Free Mild Cheddar Cheese 2 Tbsp (0pt)

Aunt Millie’s Lite Potato Bread 2 slices (2pt)

Oregon Chai Sugar Free Concentrate 1/2 cup (0pt)

Blue Diamond Unsweetend Vanilla almond milk 1/2 cup (0pt)

1/3 cup of Egg whites is two eggs, so this was the perfect amount of food. I felt full hours after which was good because of our road trip.

Lunch: Ended up at Chuy’s as mom was hungry. Not great for me as they are not in the Restaurant guide on the WW application and they have 0 nutritional facts on their page. So you and I may differ on how this is calculated. I’m okay with that.

Southwest Enchilada Stack had 3 blue corn tortillas. I ate none of them. 10pt lunch

White meat Chicken (0pt)

Peppers (0pt)

Green Chile Sauce between 1/4 and 1/2 cup (2pt)

Mexican cheese counted as 1/4 cup but wasn’t (3pt)

Tortilla Chips 9 chips (3pt)

Refried Beans – 1/4 cup (2pt)

Let’s say I learned my lesson. If it’s not a restaurant on the app, I’m not eating it. Oh and never eat a blue corn tortillas. Yuck.

Dinner: 9 pts On the road still. It was 8pm and if we didn’t eat now we’lol we’d be going to sleep soon after dinner.

Hardee’s Ham ‘N Cheese Sandwich (9pt)

2 pt left today. Will roll them over for the week. Are out far worse than I wanted to, but when traveling it’s hard not to.

I’ll admit it wasn’t easy to sleep the night of the little black folder round 2. If you read my previous blog you probably understand the painful situation thus far. If you’ve not- I recommend you read it before continuing on into this post. I promise this post will not go anywhere while you are diving into it’s sister post… that sounds dirty. I’ll let that lie right there……

The day after

Unfortunately my body has an internal alarm to wake up at 7 am no matter what, Monday through Friday thanks to the old day job. So you guessed it- 7 am on a Friday, the day after the little black folder, I awoke grasping to straws that this was a bad dream. Alas I walked upstairs to see that little black folder perched on the coach arm where I left it the day before. Not a dream (insert biggest sigh ever here). I watched my sister prep and steam clothes, do her hair – all the things I would be doing if I were getting ready for the work day ahead. I just sat there, watching. She left for the day and I was left in an empty(ish) house. The tears rolled down uncontrollably. I had no where to go for the first day in years. I am a strong person, but even strong people have moments where they feel worthless. This was one of mine. I couldn’t go back to sleep so I cleaned, I did some Scentsy emails and posts, and waiting for someone to come home. I’ve blogged before and I’ve had this page for sometime now- but I never really put it to consistent use. Often we think that what we feel, do, or even say means nothing to anyone else. I found after posting about my job elimination on Facebook that other people cared about this topic. Realistically the day after my job loss- this blog series was born. Maybe it wasn’t so unproductive after all?

The cons of the day after

As any millennial would do- I announced my job loss on social media, specifically my Facebook as this is where I do most of my personal connecting. What I didn’t think about was unsolicited advice. Do not twist this- I do not mind unsolicited advice or offers to help- I appreciate being that important to someone that they feel like they need to offer me assistance. I just ask that you keep in mind that people that go through job eliminations do not have the following things on a drop of a dime:

1. Updated Resumes. We didn’t know we were getting cut. It happened quickly and randomly (to us) and it takes time to add everything we learned, and is typically done after we go through the steps of loss.
2. An Explanation. We get told the same things everyone does: It wasn’t your performance, the position (even though you have to deploy software to over 500 restaurants still and that was my job) is no longer needed. We do not 100% know why (unless you come back 4 months later and then you find out why) – I may have put some personal touches on this one….
3. Previous Job may not fit in your Jobs wheel house. Yes I’m in I.T. but I am a specialized I.T. person. I wasn’t desktop support. I wasn’t base level. The software I used and the software your company uses is probably different in most cases. It doesn’t mean I won’t check out the opportunities and that I’m not grateful that you’re letting me know they exist- but I’m still getting over a loss. I’m not ready to talk about what I “used” to do just yet.

The day after for me- it was grieving. Realizing you’re not going back to a place filled with people you considered friends and you saw more than your family. It also meant trying very hard not to offend people who asked for my resume, asked me what I did at my last place of employment, or wanted to talk when I wasn’t ready to just yet. A Scentsy bath bomb and a night off social media helped. Oh I forgot I watched a lot of YouTube that day. Mindless lifestyle vlogs, beauty product reviews, and food videos can do wonders for the soul.

❤ Thank you for those that reached out, checked on me, cared enough to ask for my resume and offer suggestions. Though I wasn’t quite ready yet the gestures meant the world to me.

My journey with this company started in January 2012. I was brought on as a contractor at the most entry level I.T. position I could start in. I knew nothing about the industry I just joined- but I wasn’t new to I.T. and I was quick to adapt and learn. I loved my manager and the team I was part of. They liked me so much that they bought out the rest of my contract- which was not cheap. I was brought on full time in May 2012 officially. My stats were amazing. I did a great job- worked overtime and barely missed days. However when companies do not make the money they want to sometimes cuts are made. In my case my first black folder happened in August 2012.

The 1st Black Folder Situation

Four months after my super pricey contract was paid off the board decided to start eliminating positions to cut costs so their end of fiscal year bonus was better than projected. Cuts where multiple people held the same job title were done last in, first out style. I was the last full time hire in, regardless of my performance, or that my manager at the time did not want me to be the one cut. I was brought in on my day off, sat in a room- where that manager advised me that if she had it her way this wouldn’t be happening to me. We stayed in contact, and we’re still facebook friends to this day. She even helped me land an interview elsewhere. As I was about to accept a job as a Telecom manager on a 6 month contract, she called me asking me to come back. My position was re-created with the company in November 2012. I gave this company a 2nd chance- without thinking it would abruptly end at 2:32 pm Thursday November 9th, 2017… 5 days after my 5th year with the company.

The 2nd black folder:

My Director came into the lab I used to maintain and asked if I could meet. Since I was waiting to start troubleshooting an issue with someone who I knew was running late- I figured I had some spare time. It had been a long time since he’d asked me to meet so I knew something was strange. He made small talk, I updated him on somethings until we got to the stairs. You see our company split in May and the area of the building we were going to has a bad reputation. I walked into a conference room, and there sat one of our Human Resources representatives with the same black folder. I sat down asking him how he was- quietly.  My manager said unfortunately this isn’t good news, in which I rebutted ” I know, I recognize the folder.” He said he had forgotten that I’d been eliminated once before. He couldn’t make eye contact for long. He must have spoken to someone about my last go round because he came with tissues in hand. I refused. I wouldn’t cry in that room this time. Fool me once- shame on you. Fool me twice- shame on me. He shuffled out of the room swiftly- stating my performance once again had nothing to do with this elimination. It’s a real shame they never cut the people with performance issues isn’t it?

The same day aftermath:

There are so many feelings all at once: grief, sadness, lack of self worth, embarrassment, helplessness just to name a few. I was pissed off. All the nights of on call, all the nights of installs, the 60+ hour work weeks… all time unappreciated that I can’t get back. My worth summed up into Four(ish) months of severance pay- for 5 years of dedication. You bet I cried as soon as I go into my Kia Forte. I felt like excuse my language but complete shit. Even though every single person who knows me- knows I busted ass to get things done. I stayed home- but there was no relaxing. The first night was a completely I hate this life fest. Thank god for Scentsy- was my only highlight. I used a bath bomb we just recently came out with, talked to some of my friends and after a loooooong night of tears- I fell asleep. I still have to schedule my appointment with Security to retrieve my personal belongings. My story isn’t over as I still technically am on payroll for 2 more days as well. They say the first day is the hardest. Follow me here to read all about my journey working and coping with job elimination.

I forgot this even existed. I’m not sure how, or why. It’s my name.net. How do you forget you have a .net? Well It’s a thing I did. I’m grateful that I remembered because I could really use a mind clearing outlet.

Today I’ve been pushed, pushed again, and pushed some more over items not in my control. I’ve had to stand my ground on something, and find a solution to make communication issues stop. Sometimes I forget this job use to be fun. Currently it’s a pain, not fun, and really- has me questioning why I’m still here.

I’ve been forced to go to Florida every 2 weeks because of poor planning by a PM. I’m spending money out of my personal pocket and being reimbursed for it later- and in some cases not in time for the next trip. When things go wrong- even though it’s not something on my end- I’m being blamed. I’m not a manager. I’m a simple Deployment rep. I am not the PM. I do not get paid to have the blame. Make me a manager- then push the blame here. I’m forced to do the travel because if I say no someone else can do my job. These are stresses I don’t need. I don’t want. I do like to travel but I don’t like having to pay out of pocket two weeks before I go somewhere- HUGE airfare, HUGE hotel rates- I get the company pays back but that I have to be prepared for up front.

BASICALLY it boils down to lack of communications, lack of correct personnel being involved, over expectations, and lack of resources in departments. There’s only 1 me. If I’m out there’s no deployment. I have 3-4 jobs that no one else knows how to do. That’s not how a corporation should run.

For now, this is what I need to get out of my system. ❤

I really wanted my next blog to be about my travels, but when your emotions take over sometimes you just need to get how your feeling out in order to move on. Some backstory before the waves of emotion take over however:

I am a member of the IT Engagement team at my day job. I was tasked with decorating two bulletin boards which I paid out of pocket to do. I was not reimbursed. I spent 2.5 hours decorating two large boards- time I cannot get back. Both in Chalkboard pattern and cohesive. I was VERY proud of these boards. I’m not overly creative and this was an achievement for me.

I came back from vacation yesterday and one of the boards is the same and one is different. I have no idea where my decorations that I paid for went. I was not sent any sort of notification that my hard work was being torn down- less than 2 weeks after going up.

I don’t want to be upset at work. I know this is a total 1st world problem. My heart hurts though. It feels like no one cared about the time, the effort, or the cost associated. The board- is identical in style to my set up – with different letters and borders. It’s not like my “idea” isn’t represented. The sheer fact is someone had a different taste and changed something- without group approval. The Engagement team seems a little dictatorish anyways here factually.

There is a psychological backlash when someone feels like they weren’t good enough or something they did wasn’t good enough. They do not want to participate anymore. The hurt starts as anger. “I want what I paid for back”- in my case. Reality sets in- I’m working on every single thing we’re doing in September. Once anger subsided- stop involvement thoughts took over. “Who can I give this task to now, since they obviously do not want me involved- I’m not good enough”. Looking for validation that you are good enough begins. This is when I found out no one else noticed the change in the board- because no one uses the board. When no validation is found, what happens? For me- it was the brink of tears. You see it’s been a LONG time since I’ve felt this way.

I’ve been lucky in my time at this job. I’ve not had many fails with Scentsy that have made me personally feel like this. I’m being reminded of what some people go through daily. I honestly cannot imagine how they handle this much hurt in that capacity. In my case- I do not even know who caused the hurt. Many others have to see their source of pain in every day life.

In the grand scheme of things this is a MICROSCOPIC issue for me. In 5 minutes I will go into a meeting and receive praise on something I did for a project and this will melt into the backdrop of my workweek. It doesn’t make it less valid. This is a lesson learned. Today I didn’t cry. Today I decided that I was good enough at something else to let this incident go.